I remember...

I remember the way that I felt about life, the way that i felt exposed to the wilderness surrounding me. No one to turn to, nothing to do about it. My thoughts blurring the reality of life. I'm unable to distinguish the two from each other. The feelings that i know are mine are widely flung to the deep midsts of my mind, buried under ten thousand fluttering papers. As if a ceiling fan is trying to make me think about them, unwittingly. I'm not sure that i can keep going on like this, trying not to think of my past, it is a black cloud hanging over the horizon, threatening lashings of rain and bright lightning, with an expectation of dread that engulfs the air around it. I can feel it coming, the brooding of pain and heartache. I do not want to deal with it, I cannot. I wish that i was strong enough, but yet i continue to push it to the back, unwanting to deal with it or see it. I wish that it wasn't this hard, that it would disapper forever, leaving me peaceful and accepting of the past, present and future.

She recalls what it felt like, before. Being exposed to the wilderness that surrounded her. She had no one to turn to, and could do nothing about it. Somehow her thoughts blurring the reality of life, or so she told me. She was unable to distinguish the two from each other. She described how her thoughts were flung to the deepest midst of her mind, and buried under thousands of papers, which fluttered, a fan overhead was trying to make her think about them, unwittingly. I asked what her mind looked like. Like a black cloud, hanging over the horizon. Threatening lashings of rain and bright light. A certain exectation of dread, engulfing the air around it. She didn't want to think of her past, and she can't keep going on like this. She can feel it coming, the broding of pain and heartache. I do not want to deal with it, she yells, I cannot! I wish that i was strong enough, i keep pushing it back, not wanting to deal with it or see it. She breaks down, crying, she mutters, I wish that it wasn't this hard, that it would disappear forever, leaving me peaceful, accepting of the past, present and future. She has done it, made a break through, and for that I am proud.

You recalled the way that you felt about life. The way that you felt exposed to the wilderness surrounding you. Claiming that you had no one to talk to and couldn't do anything about it. We could never understand the way that you said the your thoughts were blurring the reality of life, and being unable to distinguish the two from each other. The psychologist described how your thoughts were strewn around your mind, somewhat buried under millions of papers. I'm not the bad person, you are the one on the horizon, the black cloud threatening lashings of rain, bright lightening, the expexectation that fillls the room when you arrive, you suck the air out of the room and me. Apparantly you cannot keep going on like this, you try to block out the past, but aren't we all? You cannot view the heart ache and the pain that is causing us, can you? And you think that you aren't strong enough? I cannot deal with it either! Why can you just let it go? It is the past, pushing it to the back, and not wanting to deal with it will make it worse. Trust me I know. We both wish that it wasn't this hard, that you would disappear forever, leaving me peace and acceptance. You will have the past present and future with out us, but can you forget the pain?